Category Archives: dying
How do use a memory box with bereaved children and young people
A memory box is a simple container which holds important objects that remind you of the person that has died.
When someone dies, we all worry that we will lose our memories of our loved one- it’s no different for a child by gathering and saving special memories, in a memory box, a child can go back to the box and reconnect to those memories, happy and sad when they are ready. It changes over time- what might make them happy one day, may make them sad another.
With siblings and the loss of their sister or brother, each child can make and decorate their special box. Ask the children if they would like to make a memory box and show them what you are talking about, use stickers, glue paper, along with other meaningful bits and pieces to give them an idea of how to decorate their box and any kind of things to put in. Let them decided if they each want to make a box and allow time to put their boxes together over a period of weeks. Items include toys wrappers of tier sibling’s favourite sweets, photos. This can be done on behalf of a child too.
The idea is that young people can put in pictures or items that their loved one had or cherished. For example, dad’s watch in or mum’s jewellery, as well as pictures or photos. Some children or young people have put things from the funeral or things after someone has died into their memory box.
A memory box is really useful to be able to store items that remind children and young people of special days or the person that has died. So, if there is a birthday card or anniversary and they want to keep that, they can keep it in their memory box to look back on.
But how can parents, carers and professionals use a memory box with children and young people? Here’s a step by step guide about how to use a memory box:
Step One: Source your box
Step one is, of course, to source your memory box. You can, of course, get any old box and decorate as you wish. An old shoe box works well as it has a closeable lid and can be kept under the bed. Some buy/source a lovely, purpose-built memory box. What is contained in the box is far more important than how the objects are stored.
Step Two: Fill your memory box
Fill your memory box with items that remind you of them, and times you spent together. It could be their watch or tie, maybe a scarf or their purse. You could include photographs and letters, or what about the lipstick they wore, a postcard from a holiday you went on together or a favourite CD they always listened to. How about their passport or a pair of glasses they wore? Then, when you want to remember…you can simply look through the wonderful collection of memories in the box!
Try not to simply fill your memory box with random bits and bobs… instead, make sure that each object has a story or memory attached to it.
Step Three: Write a note
Some people like to write a note for each item they put in their memory box, outlining why that item is important to them. This can be a really useful thing to do when you look back and reflect on what is in your memory box in years to come. You may have forgotten why a specific picture is important, but your note will be a nice reminder for you.
Step Four: Share your memories
Step four is completely optional – some people like to keep their memories private – but if you’d like to show family and friends your memory box, then that is okay too.
If you do feel like you want to share your memory box with family and friends, it can be really nice to share each other’s memories and talk about how those memories make you feel.
Resource Winston’s Wish & Rainbow’s Trust
Other ideas:
• Items of clothes
• Diary/Journal
• Notes/cards from them to you, or vice versa
• Awards they have received, newspaper mentions(things they were proud of
• Their order of Service /funeral sheet
• Lock of hair
Earth Earth Awakening – Death Awareness Space
I was delighted to be invited to complete the Death Awareness team held by Celia Libera and Mike Grenville at the Green Earth Awakening (GEA) festival which is an Autumn event, from Wednesday 12th to Sunday 16th September 2018, this event is affiliated with the Buddhafield Festival. A description of the GEA is as follows: ‘The Green Earth awakening is an intimate, late summer gathering to explore engaged Buddhism, community living, land skills and creative responses to forging social resilience. To bring together Buddhists, activists and anyone drawn to exploring the skills required to reach our collective potential. An Off-grid, drug and alcohol-free, temporary community where creativity can weave and connections can deepen. Expect the opportunity to network and collaborate through discourse, movement, music, play and fireside story and song.’
Tipi
‘The Buddhafield theme for 2018 is Dance of Life and Death, (which followed through to the GEA): Death can bring deep sorrow and grief. As the Buddha showed, all human lives are touched by loss. The paradox of the dance of life is that it is also the dance of death. Life is so precious because we have such limited time on this earth. How do we honour our grief and sorrow, whilst allowing it to permeate our lives in a positive way, encouraging us to transform ourselves? Buddhafield and GEA celebrated relationships, coming into a community, turning towards death and celebrating the joy of life, together, supported by our beautiful earth’.
I arrived Thursday evening arriving just in time to co-hold the Death cafe with Celia in our beautiful tipi tent, this was a full tent and one of the main themes that arose was suicide, and someone dealing with a terminal prognosis. It was powerful to share, and bear witness to peoples experiences and thoughts.
Friday morning Celia and I held a session Exploring Mortality and making plans to make choices around our death. And in the late morning, I offered a Gentle touch session, which became a lovely pampering session with emphasis on touch and consent as a giver and receiver and being clear about our own boundaries.
In the afternoon, I attended a grief tending ritual which was beautifully held by Sophy and her team, this was my second experience of this, my first one being at Buddahfield this year. These teachings come from Sobonfu Somé, who has brought to the West teachings from the ancient wisdom, ritual and practices of her Dagara ancestors. Largely offering community grief, so often we grieve alone or not at all, however, when we grieve together, not only does it help the individual to heal, it also helps strengthen the entire community fabric. Which I what I felt again. This yet again was a powerful ritual of feeling supported and supporting people in our temporary village namely this festival. I recommend attending such a ritual if you get the opportunity The song that was sung by us during this ritual and the same as the previous grief tending has now stayed with me.
Saturday morning Mike offered a workshop called when someone dies – exploring practical and spiritual options at and after death and Celia led 5 discussions to have with the dying who are living.
In the afternoon we all offered Blessing the body – ritual of washing, blessing and anointing as we say goodbye to our loved one. Celia made a splendid corpse model as we offer a demonstration. Late evening we held a companion voices session- whereby we learnt a simple song (lullabies in essence)and each takes it, in turn, to lie down and be sung too. It feels like a beautiful healing sound/voice bath.
Sunday we completed with Dying to talk session and a Sound Bath, the sound Bath was popular and unfortunately, we had to turn people away as the tipi was full. I totally enjoyed the festival, a small 500 people capacity and out in nature, the weather was good for this time of year. We offered varied workshops around death and dying and it was lovely to be offering this space at this festival and working alongside an awesome team.
Making a Will
In November I had re-written my Will, which, on this occasion, was professionally written by a solicitor. Previously I have done DIY Wills bought from the Post Office or a High Street shop. l update my Will roughly every five years or so and as I was aware of the Will Aid Scheme, I thought that I would do this update as a comparison. Will Aid is a scheme that is available every November, where one can get a Will written for a donation of around £95.00. Will Aid is a partnership between the legal profession and nine UK’s charities. Every November, participating solicitors waive their fee for writing a basic Will. Instead, they invite clients to make a voluntary donation to Will Aid – They suggest £95 for a single basic Will and £150 for a pair of basic ‘mirror’ Wills.
My new Will details/wishes were more or less taken from the previous Will that I had written, as I brought it in to discuss. The only significant change to note was writing the addresses of those that I want to benefit from my will. This was advised to be written in the Will, rather than on a separate piece of paper, and it proved helpful as I became aware that I didn’t have all the addresses.
In conclusion, if you have a fairly simple Will, which I did, then DIY Wills is no different and just as legal. In England and Wales, the legal requirement is that the will is signed and witnessed by two people present. In Scotland, it only needs to be witnessed and signed by one other person.
If you are over 55 years old you can get a Will done for free. Under the scheme called Free Wills Month. The Scheme takes place every March and October and is backed by Charities, however, be prepared for your solicitor to ask if you would like to leave a donation to a chosen cause when you die, although you are under no obligation to do so. The towns and cities taking part in Free Wills Month vary each time the campaign runs. Visit the ‘Free Will Month‘ website during March or October and enter your postcode. You’ll be given a list of participating solicitors close to you, which you can choose from to arrange an appointment.
However, it’s simple to write a will, particularly when using guidelines from DIY Wills or from the opportunities of a solicitor as noted above. Its worth noting that all Wills become invalid if you get married and it’s wise to update your Will regularly. The most important message that I can offer is DO WRITE A WILL, this allows your wishes to be granted as you would want and your funeral wishes too. We often change our minds or viewpoints so rewrite your Will or funeral plan regularly to reflect this.
Top Five Regrets of the Dying
In 2009 Bronnie Ware, an Australian palliative carer wrote an online article in her blog called Inpirational and Chai, which gained so much attention and went viral she then put her observations into a book called ‘The top 5 Regrets of the dying’ this was about her time working with dying people. Bronnie “developed close relationships with her patients during their last weeks which resulted in raw, honest conversations about life and death, including what the patients wished they had done differently.”
Bronnie says that “People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.”
When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret. “When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made”.
2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
This came from the many male patients that she had nursed. “They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men she nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence”. This may also be connected with income and falling into the trap of keeping a level of income.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
“Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. she says that many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result”. I feel the body does indeed respond to emotional, psychological beliefs, distress or suppression.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
“Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying”.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
“Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.”
So when thinking about these regrets, we can learn from others who have gone before…..and take the opportunity to change our lives now; how we relate to others, how we are in the world, how much time we spend at work, particularly work that we may not enjoy. Being able to express our fears, wants and desires and boundaries in a respectful way…having meaningful connections, staying in contact with those that matter. We can have an impact and influence on all the above 5 aspects of our lives and we do indeed have choices. We can choose a happier existence now and fully engage in life before we die. My shaamuc teacher taught me to have death as your close advisor.